Navigating Tantrums with Young Children: Part 1
Tantrums Under Two
So, although I hate to admit it, we’re in the thick of it now. My husband and I have a fully fledged toddler on our hands. And that means tantrums. The sweet little being that was our adorable and happy-go-lucky baby now can walk away from us, scratch that, run away, and has that capacity to say “No”. He knows what he wants and he knows the quickest ways to get our attention.
Sweet and Sour
Life with our 20 month old son is incredibly sweet, don’t get us wrong. He loves cuddles, kisses, and being with us all the time. He is starting to say “I Lo Ye” for “I love you” and it just melts our hearts. Unfortunately, we can’t always attend to his every whim, which results in behaviors that we are not so fond of: screaming, yelling, hitting, and kicking.
And so, traversing tantrums is one of our biggest challenges at the moment. I guess that’s why I felt that it was important for me to take to my keyboard and my art materials on this topic (see collage at the bottom of this post). I created this post to process how we are doing. Also, I wanted to examine the strategies that I have in greater depth so that I can continue to improve. Especially knowing that we haven’t even hit the terrible two’s yet!
Since the topic of managing tantrums and toddler behavior is a bigger one I am breaking this post into smaller parts. Here, in Part 1 we will tackle some of the preemptive strategies for preventing or diffusing tantrums quickly. In the next section I’ll explore tactics to use during a tantrum, so stay tuned for that.
Parental Preparations
In all of our preparations for becoming parents one of the best things that we did was read books (and listen to audio books) on positive parenting strategies. It really set the tone and intention that Luke and I wanted for our household. It helped us have conversations about how we wanted to raise our child and led to many good discussions. I’ve listed some of our favorite books on the subject of parenting below. Because the truth is it is never too late to start, if you are interested.
- No-Drama Discipline – Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
- Brain Rules for Baby – John Medina
- The Wonder Weeks – Frans X. Plooij and Hetty van de Rijt
- The Happiest Toddler on the Block – Harvey Karp
Advice vs. Real Life
Although this preparation was all well and good when we were pregnant and then when we had a small cooing baby in our arms, nothing could prepare us for what the toddler days would bring. The lived experience of managing tantrums day in and day out proved to us that these tips are easier said than done. I feel that is especially true for a young child under the age of two. There is something about a child simply not being verbal enough to understand some of the strategies offered in these books.
Help…
That’s where this writing comes in. It was difficult for us to find guidance on what we could do to help our little one to the other side of these tough times. It just seemed like we were going to have to suffer through any and all tantrums until we could start using more advanced strategies. This led to us make some mistakes and become frustrated. In turn, I resorted to some behaviors that I’m not proud of on my part (let’s just say I’m working on my yelling 🙊). But the truth is there is plenty of strategies that you can try that will help keep everyone’s dignity in-tact.
So how does one successfully navigate tantrums when the little one is too small understand even the best positive parenting techniques? How do you keep your cool, even when your last nerve is being tweaked? Well, as always, Promoted to Parent is here to say “we are in it with you”. We don’t claim to be experts or know exactly what will work for your family. But we are here to support and encourage you as we learn along the way. Sometimes we get it wrong, and that’s okay. At the end of the day, all we can do is make sure that our children are loved and cared for. And that each day is an improvement from yesterday.
Pre-tantrum:
Preventative strategies can sometimes be the best strategies for managing tantrums. When a child is a behaving in a way that you don’t like, you need to ask yourself why. Our little ones that don’t have enough words to express themselves will communicate through their actions. You might be able to find a clue about what your child is seeking in their behavior and what they need from you.
Give Positive Attention.
One of our best strategies is providing positive attention to our little boy when he is doing what we expect of him. This means praising him when he meets our expectations without being asked to. Letting him know that he has already gotten it right and that he is doing a great job. Additionally, offering him attention prior to engaging in something that he will not be able to assist with.
My day to day tasks can become quite daunting when my son is not okay with me leaving our living room space. This makes taking out the trash, doing the laundry, running to get the mail incredibly difficult. Instead, by engaging in proactive play with him, I am showing him that I really am here for him. Then when he is ready to branch into some independent play I can accomplish something.
Teach the Desired Alternative
Another pre-tantrum strategy is to teach the acceptable alternative to a unfavorable behavior. For example: our son is a screamer. It really is on the level of ear-piercing banshee (a sound he has been able to produce since he was only four days old), and our extended family members can attest to that.
Between the ages of 12-18 months, when our son wanted our attention or was asking something he wanted he would scream at the top of his lungs. At first we tried ignoring it, but that didn’t really do much in that it was our natural instinct to look his way upon hearing the blood-curdling yelp. After some time we tried teaching him how we wanted him to get our attention. We taught him to say “mama” or “dada” or to tap us, using gentle hands. Now, he is pretty good at getting our attention in a reasonable manner and only needs occasional reminders.
Deep Breaths
Again, pre-teaching skills to our son has come to our aid on numerous occasions. One of the most valuable lessons that we have taught him is how to take a deep breath. By sitting with him and helping him practice, this is now a skill that he is able to use with us to prevent some outbursts and tantrums before they start. This doesn’t always work if he is too far gone. However, he has demonstrated this skill on his own when he has needed to be patient and wait for dinner for example. He has also used deep breating to help my parent’s anxious dog when she was upset. Yes, our son really did lay down next to a dog and attempt to co-regulate her, and we were so proud of him.
Set Limits (and Keep Them)
Pre-teaching to the limits that you want to have in the home can also be helpful. I’ve noticed with my son that as his grasp of language is expanding with each passing month I can be more direct with him. He understands which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. Using clear and simple language works the best. Consistency is also key, and that means following through on any conditions that you have for your child testing that limit. For example: if our son is aggressive with one of his toys we give him a warning and if he does not stop that toy is taken away.
During the Tantrum: The Next Part…
In conclusion, although teaching our son regulation skills and acceptable alternatives have certainly proven their worth, unfortunately they do not always prevent an outburst. As difficult as tantrums can be, it is part of how children learn to express themselves and journey through difficult feelings. It is difficult for us to see our child upset. But, it is a good reminder to know that it is normal. Also, it is our job as the parent to be their guide. Finally, it might help to view tantrums as the learning experience that they are, rather than an affront to us.
“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.”
L.R. Knost